Oh what have I done

The running joke: “If I fail this midterm I’m going to have to get on the pole,” Or “fuck this shit, I’ll just be a stripper!” But have you actually ever done it? Well I have, and not a day goes by that I don’t ask myself “Oh what have I done?”

I wake up at 9:30 this morning, like I do every morning to let the dog out. My boyfriend has already been at work for a few hours. Sometimes I go back to bed until lunch time, sometimes I don’t. Sleeping in is one of the luxuries being a stripper has afforded me. I make my boyfriend lunch and he is on his way back to work after an hour. I return to the couch with Daisy, our pitbull and watch trash television for hours until it is my turn to get ready for “work.” This mind numbing practice is the only way I’ve learned to cope. Cope with what, you ask? Well, royally fucking up my own life.

My internal dialogue eats me alive. Could I have done better? Could I have a bachelors degree and be curing cancer or saving starving children right now? Could I be doing anything other than taking my top off and pounding vodka crans over meaningless conversation for money? Probably not, I tell myself.

This borderline personality keeps me stuck. Stuck in such a way that makes me suffer greatly. I do cartwheels in my mind coming up with excuse after excuse as to why I can’t get a day job. “I have anxiety” or “I’ll just quit in a month anyway.” I constantly tell myself I can’t. But why?

On the other hand, I am fighting this internal monologue with the patriarchy smashing feminist rhetoric. Fuck your day job. Fuck your 9 to 5. “Capitalism makes a whore out of all of us.” This is me, this is who I am, and if you don’t like it, well then fuck you too.

But I digress. I hope one day when I fall off the pole I will have one of my former classmates in a white coat treating my broken neck. And when I’m craving Ruby Tuesdays another one will wait my table with a smile. We all have a place in this world. And we’re all doing the best we can. We’re not all destined for greatness, but we’re all making a difference. And in terms of that, oh what have YOU done?

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One thought on “Oh what have I done

  1. Having a Bachelors degree is definitely not all it’s believed to be, especially in a human services field like mine. People automatically assume that Child and Family Development equates to “you’ll be a daycare teacher the rest of your life.” Even potential employers think this, and it pisses me off. But I chose a field that I love so I can try to get a job I love working on helping kids/families out of poverty. Do what you love and you’ll be just just fine 🙂

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