Relationship Advice from a Stripper

Taking relationship advice from a stripper is like taking an archery lesson from a blind guy, right? Wrong. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting countless married and divorced men, young and old, with and without children. I’ve asked these men some tough questions, got some very real answers, and have learned a lot about life, love and sex. Here is the list I’ve created of the best advice I would give anyone to build strong, healthy, loving relationships.

1. Cultivate love

As they say, love is not a noun, it’s a verb. You must dig deep into the garden of your relationships, plant firmly and water daily to receive the fruits of your labor. What I mean is, put some effort into it! You know exactly what that means for you. Every relationship is different. Help your wife with chores, tell your husband you still appreciate him, call your mother more often, tell your son how awesome he is at helping people. Love is a muscle you must flex to remain strong and healthy. So go on, flex that love muscle! Which leads me to my next point:

2. Have more sex

Want to know who my number one customer is? The man in a sexless marriage. And don’t think that I think that is an excuse to blow your whole paycheck on strippers because it’s not. And trust me, I’m ALWAYS on the woman’s side, (whom I hope is enjoying the pool boy *cough*) but trust me, sex is more important in a marriage than you know.  I’ve never really been in a relationship long enough to have that fling fizzle out, and I’ve certainly never been married, but through my line of work I get to see the fallout of a marriage gone dry. I wish I could tell you how to keep that spark, fix the broken pieces and keep the love alive, but I can’t. Only you can do the work.

3. Be open and honest

This is pretty obvious advice but you’d be surprised how difficult this actually is. A small portion of my customers are fetishists.  They want to worship my ass, suck on my toes, and make me kick them in the crotch as hard as I can. Yes you read that right. I imagine opening up to your partner about secretly wanting to fuck balloons (yes I’ve met that guy) isnt exactly easy, but what’s the point of having a lifelong partner if you can’t be your whole and complete self with all your weird and awesome balloon fucking wonder? You’re supposed to be with this person for LIFE, you deserve to live your most honest life and explore every part of yourself within your relationships. And if you can’t do that, then reconsider who you’ve chosen to do life with. Also, stop lying to your wife about going to the strip club you piece of shit.

4. Jealousy is a waste of time

It’s easier said than done to not fester into a steaming shitpile of jealousy sometimes, but pick your battles. You either trust your partner or you don’t. Beating them down with passive aggressive bullshit all day long won’t fix that. Jealousy is the manifestation of fear in your relationship. Are you afraid they’re going to cheat or leave? Communicate that. Don’t cling to them like a koala bear in the strip club, come do a shot with me and show me how you do your contour!

5. Leave

Sometimes you just can’t fix things, or worse, your other half doesn’t want to. Sometimes, you find out you’re with a sociopath, sometimes you realize you’d rather be with someone else, or sometimes you’re just a money hungry asshole. I’ve met tons of guys still married out of convenience or stipulation. They didn’t sign a prenup and now have too many assets and don’t want to get a divorce in fear of their wife taking too much. Wow, petty much? Stop staying in toxic, soul-sucking and/or abusive relationships. You deserve someone who loves you and wants to work as hard as you do in a relationship. So stop giving fifty percent, stop settling, and see where life takes you.

 

 

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One thought on “Relationship Advice from a Stripper

  1. From someone who’s been in a relationship for over 20 years, your absolutely right. Still going strong , but not without work from both sides.

    Like

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