The beloved bachelor

The infamous bachelor party; every mans right of passage before entering a lifelong commitment to one woman. Some choose to celebrate with a casual night in with friends while some choose to celebrate with endless Jager bombs and being ridden like a horse by strippers. Either way, this night will bring out a side of them you’ll probably never see while also making them all the more grateful for the women holding them down at home.

I think it’s almost taboo to talk about what happens at bachelor parties. Women are expected to let their man have a hall pass for one night before the wedding then never ask about it again. It probably eats women up inside a little bit because, let’s be real, bachelorette parties are never really that x-rated. While obviously every bachelor party is different, I can tell you every club I’ve danced at has their own way of celebrating yet somehow they are all the same. I’m here to unveil any mystery (sorry guys) and ease your mind about this ceremonial practice.

Five to ten guys walk through the door and I immediately roll my eyes. I’m already expecting a two dollar tip on stage while his best man says “be extra dirty to him, he’s the bachelor.” First of all, I’m not dirty in the first place. Second, for two dollars, I think not. They all sit at a table and order the first round of Bud Lite while already realizing they’ve come to the club too early. It’s 7 o’clock at night and they expected to walk into huge party filled with titties and beer. If by chance they’ve shown up at 11pm or later they might actually get the experience they were looking for. After shooting the shit for half an hour everyone has loosened up, girls have begun introducing themselves, they’ve stopped  milking their beers and have begun interacting and they’re ready to get the party started.

Most bachelor parties come in clueless on how this works. The friends of the bachelor always ask how much it costs to put the bachelor on stage while he insists he doesn’t want to go. Yes you do buddy, or else you wouldn’t be here. To put him on stage it costs anywhere from $45 and up. You talk to the DJ, pick your song, pay him and wait. This is where the experience you get can differ based on what club you’re at.

Club A: the bachelor is sat in a chair, back against the pole, while his friends are invited to come on stage and place one dollar bills all over him. After they’ve been thoroughly crammed in his pants, collar and mouth, we’re ready to begin. He gets his pick of 4 girls to do the dance and they all begin to dance around him topless. They simultaneously smother him with tits and ass, a couple girls seesaw on the pole/his face and one slides from the top onto his lap. Each girl dances on him one by one before ordering him to his knees. One girl rips the band from his boxers and ties it around his head. RIP $40 Pumas. Two other girls have already summoned leather belts from the audience and proceed to whip his ass with full force. After a thorough, consensual beating, one or more girls hop on his back and ride him around stage. By this point his friends as well as strangers are throwing dollar bills and hollering with delight while the bachelor is hollering in regret. After a few more minutes of drop splitting onto his balls and face the song ends and we help him up, congratulate him on his nuptials and collect our tips.

Club B: The bachelor is sat in a chair at the end of the stage while every girl in the club is lined up. The song begins and each girl dances on him one by one until the song ends. This is the most uneventful, most lame bachelor dance I’ve ever seen.

Club C: The bachelor is sat in a chair in the middle of the shower stage and he is ordered to take his shirt off. He gets his pick of 2 girls for this dance. The two shower heads on either side of him are turned on and the song begins. The dancers dance on him sensually shortly before one suddenly rubs their hands together and smacks them both sharply against his chest. They take turns dancing then slapping, dancing then slapping. This is the most bizarre bachelor initiation I’ve ever seen. They order him to the ground and ask someone from the audience for 3 cans of beer. They shake up 2 beers and crack them open showering him with Natural Lite. The last one is placed in the crack of his ass and the audience is instructed in a 3-2-1 countdown. On the count of three one girl gives a forceful knee and crushes the beer can. He is then laid on his back and the girls end the dance with a refreshing bucket of ice dumped on the lucky bachelor.

While this or some variation of this happens on stage, this is usually just a short part of the night. Some bachelor parties get VIP service where they can order bottle service and sit in a private booth with its own pole. Some just choose to hangout with the regular crowd and play pool while pounding beers and Fireball shots. For the rest of the night they continue to go up to the stage for dances as well as get private dances. The married men are usually glad for the excuse to get crazy for a night again, and a lot of bachelors take this night as an opportunity to bond with their future father and/or brother in law. I’ve also seen a couple mothers of the groom and brides with the bachelor party which can either be really fun or really tense if the bride is mean mugging every girl that comes to say hi (which is our job by the way.) All in all this is a night that’s meant to be a celebration (as well as some sort of hazing cermony I’m convinced) and I’m always grateful to be apart of someones bachelor party experience. It’s always been a little weird to me, an average girl, to orchestrate such a memorable night in someones life. I’m always flattered that anyone would think I’m some majestic fantasy woman when in reality I put my period stretch pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else. So while some stripper may have given your man a night to remember, it pales in comparison to the lifetime of memories you’ll provide him, and rest assured they’ve gone home, secretly worrying about their own mans future bachelor party too.


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